You hear it before you see it.
The crying. The whining. Loud. Uncontrolled. Over something small, too small, you think. The cup is the wrong color. The sock “feels weird.” Jackets in 20 degree weather is a battle…And suddenly, you’re not just a parent. You’re a referee. A therapist. A ticking clock. And if you’re honest… you’re overwhelmed too.
Because no one really taught you how to handle their emotions when you’re still learning how to manage your own. Most of us weren’t taught emotional regulation. We were taught obedience. Silence.
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
So now here we are, trying to raise emotionally aware kids with tools we were never given. And when our child melts down, it doesn’t just test them, it exposes us. Tantrums aren’t just noise. They aren’t just “bad behavior” to fix or moments to survive.
They’re mirrors.
Not just of your child’s emotions but of what they’ve learned about emotions… from you. Because whether we realize it or not, we are the very first model to our children on their perspective of understanding “how the world works” and how to deal with their BIG feelings. Our children are constantly studying us, rather it’s the way we respond when we’re overwhelmed, the tone we use when things don’t go our way, rolling our eyes, huffing at any inconvenience, and how we handle frustration, stress, disappointment. They take it all in. And then, in their smallest, most unfiltered moments, they reflect it back.
And we find ourselves asking: Where did you learn that from?
Miniature versions of us, still learning and trying to make sense of it all. And it’s all the more frustrating when you are quite literally combating yourself.
We talk a lot about teaching kids emotional regulation. But the truth is, you cannot teach what you do not model. You have to become the person you want your child to be. Not perfect, not always calm, but rather aware, intentional, and willing to pause and choose differently.
When we are frustrated in our personal dealings, we tend to respond to the emotions we feel bubbling up. Rather it is to slam the bills on the counter, letting overstimulation run the show, or regular day to day frustrations we do not give much thought about. The difference now? There are little eyes watching your every move (more than you think they are). We must do our part in the role of parent/guardian to not be so reactive in ways that reflect the behavior we are trying to rid. We must take a step back and think:
“How would I want my children to react?” “How would I handle this situation if I was just an observer with no emotional attachment?”
In the middle of a meltdown, when everything in you wants to react, you have the choice on modeling emotional intelligence or letting high emotions run the show. Which often leads us into feeling guilty, full of regret, or accidentally modeling behaviors we would rather not tolerate. Emotional regulation isn’t about eliminating big feelings. It’s about teaching our children what to do with them by showing them, again and again, what it looks like in us.
It looks like breathing.
Not just telling your child to calm down, but showing them how it’s done.
It looks like composure.
Even if it’s shaky at first.
It looks like reassurance.
Letting them know: “You’re safe. I’m here. Your feelings are allowed.”
It looks like confidence and follow-through.
Because boundaries matter and consistency builds trust.
And it looks like compassion.
Holding space for their emotions without dismissing them or losing yourself in the chaos.
Here’s the balance many of us were never shown:
You can be firm and still be connected. You can hold a boundary and still hold your child. You can say “no” without shutting them down.
So what does that actually look like in real life? Because in the middle of a tantrum, you don’t need theory, you need tools.
The “Firm + Connected” Toolkit
1. Regulate yourself first (even briefly)
Before you correct, guide, or explain…pause.
That might look like:
Taking one slow breath before you respond
Dropping your shoulders, unclenching your jaw
Lowering your voice on purpose
Taking a moment in another room to respond better.
Your child doesn’t borrow your words first, they borrow your nervous system. The more you yell and fight, the higher emotions get within our nervous system, which then becomes a ripple effect directly into theirs. The crying and frustration grows. Louder, more intense, and now you are in a worse place than when you started. Hurtful things can be said, and regret and shame seep in where connection should be.
If you come in elevated, the situation escalates.
If you come in grounded, you become the anchor.
Ask Yourself: “What is actually needed here?”
2. Get low, get close, get calm
Instead of talking at your child from across the room, shift your presence.
Kneel or sit to their level
Soften your eyes and tone (tone awareness: Because your voice can either escalate the storm or become the anchor in it).
Reduce extra words (children often stop listening if you over explain, rather than getting directly to the point)
Connection isn’t built through control, it is built through proximity and safety. Your child adores you and seeks comfort in you. When you withhold that comfort they begin to feel unsafe which can then lead to withdrawal, withholding things, or even lying.
3. Name the feeling (without fixing it)
A dysregulated child isn’t looking for logic, they’re looking to be understood. They want to relate to you, they seek for your comfort as they would when coming to you with other problems rather in school, amongst friends, or with other family members. They trust you, and seek your reassurance.
Try:
“You’re really frustrated right now.”
“That didn’t go how you wanted.”
“You’re upset because I said no.”
You’re not agreeing with the behavior, you’re validating the experience and opening up space for conversation and connection. That alone can lower intensity.
4. Hold the boundary: clearly and calmly
This is where many parents either become too harsh or too passive.
The goal is calm firmness:
“I won’t let you hit.”
“We’re not getting another snack right now.”
“It’s time to leave.”
No long lectures, no emotional charge. Just steady, confident leadership. Holding our composure, sticking with the boundary, but keeping room for connection. Reassuring with love, setting them up for success: “In about 10 minutes we are going to start getting ready to leave”. “No snack right now, but we can have one after you eat lunch/dinner!” “I won’t let you hit, we keep our hands on our own bodies. Hitting hurts feelings and bodies.”
Boundaries feel safer to kids when they’re delivered without anger.
5. Offer a “safe outlet” instead of shutdown
We don’t want to stop the feeling, we just want to guide where it goes.
Try redirecting:
“You can stomp your feet if you’re mad.”
“Let’s squeeze this pillow together.”
“You can cry. I’m right here.”
This teaches: your feelings are okay, but your actions have limits.
“It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to be mean.”
6. Co-regulate (don’t isolate immediately)
Sending a child away in their most overwhelmed moment can increase distress.
Instead:
Stay nearby
Offer a hug (if they’re receptive)
Sit quietly beside them
Read a book with them (maybe specifically on emotions)
Your calm presence helps their system settle faster than words ever will. Perhaps, create a cozy little space (calm down area), filled with cozy huggable animals, squishy toys, things that make noise (like shakers, drums, anything you can think of - get creative!), fidget toys, and books on emotions!
7. Use fewer words, more consistency
When emotions are high, too many words overwhelm.
Think:
Short phrases
Repeated calmly
Same message, different moment
“I hear you. The answer is still no.”
(Repeat without escalating)
Consistency builds trust, even when they don’t like the answer. They trust your follow-through and know you mean what you say, which will eventually lessen the tantrums and fall into disappointment but understanding, rather than anger. They will learn to trust what you say, and still feel safe enough to come to you, and ask you anything.
8. Repair when needed (this is powerful)
You won’t always get it right. No one does.
What matters is what happens after.
“I yelled earlier. I’m sorry. I’m working on staying calm.”
“That was a hard moment for both of us.”
This teaches accountability, emotional awareness, and growth - far more than perfection ever could. This teaches them that we are human too, and it is okay to make mistakes. Its about how we handle and grow from them.
What your child is actually learning
In these moments, your child is not just learning: “I can’t have that thing.” or “I can’t do that.”
They’re learning:
What anger feels like in the body
What to do when emotions get big
Whether their feelings are safe to express
How to stay connected to someone, even in conflict
We are not raising our children to be obedient to us, but to instead understand the world around them and be set up for success when it’s time for their journey into the real world without us.
Emotional regulation isn’t about eliminating big feelings. It’s about teaching our children what to do with them. That teaching doesn’t happen in lectures. It happens in the middle of real moments, when you choose to stay steady, hold the boundary, and keep the connection intact.
So the next time a tantrum rises, pause before you see it as something to control. Instead, see it as an invitation to model, guide, and to become (in real time) the steady presence your child is directly learning life from. Because long before they learn to regulate themselves, they learn how to do it, through you.
Here is a list of resources to help you further your emotional intelligence as an adult, to help model for your children what many of us were never modeled ourselves: emotional safety, regulation, self-awareness, and healthy communication. Healing and learning often begin with us first. I grouped them so you can actually use them instead of just collect them.
Emotional Intelligence + Self-Awareness
Greater Good Science Center
A goldmine for understanding emotions, empathy, and resilience in simple, research-backed language. Their articles are practical and easy to apply in everyday parenting and relationships.
Mood Meter (concept + app)
Helps you actually name emotions instead of just feeling overwhelmed or numb.
(The “naming it to tame it” approach. Very useful for both adults and kids.)
Emotional Regulation Skills (very practical)
Therapist Aid
Free printable worksheets on:
emotional regulation
grounding techniques
communication skills
CBT-based thought reframing
DBT Skills (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)
Especially for emotional overwhelm. You can search free DBT worksheets on Therapist Aid or similar resources.
Core skills to look for:
STOP skill (pause before reacting)
TIPP skills (body-based calming techniques)
emotional naming + distress tolerance
Parenting + Attachment + Emotional Safety
The Gottman Institute
Extremely helpful for learning emotional coaching instead of emotional suppression. Focuses on how to respond to children’s emotions in ways that build connection instead of shame.
NAMI
Free education on mental health, emotional regulation, and family support systems. Especially helpful if emotional overwhelm is tied to anxiety, burnout, or past trauma patterns.
Free Audio / Nervous System Support
Insight Timer (free version)
Thousands of free guided meditations for:
calming nervous system overload
parenting stress
emotional grounding
YouTube (simple but powerful)
Search terms that actually help:
“emotional regulation skills adults DBT”
“how to stay calm during child tantrum”
“inner child emotional healing guided meditation”
“nervous system regulation vagus nerve exercises”
If you want a simple starting path (not overwhelming)
If everything feels like too much, start here:
Learn 1 DBT skill (STOP or TIPP)
Practice naming emotions daily (Mood Meter style)
Watch 1 Gottman parenting video per week
Do 1 grounding exercise when you feel triggered by your child
Small consistency > information overload.